Friday, 26 October 2012

The Ebayer

Are you an Ebayer? 
Quick signs to look for
1) You watch the last ten minutes of your auctions just for the fun of it
2) You get excited seeing the addresses of your buyers
3) You would rather lose a limb than have negative feedback
4) You always have a stock of jiffy bags in, 'just in case'
5) You can work out the postage costs of a 384g 12.5mm wide package in your head. In less than four seconds
6) You know what the acronyms BNWT, NBW and NWOB all mean

The typical Ebayer in depth
With more 'watchers' than friends, the only time Mary leaves her house is the visit to the Post Office. Her eyes struggle to adjust to the dim light inside; they have been glued to her luminous computer screen for the last week. Constantly refreshing her feedback score (she can still recall the delight last year when she achieved power seller status), over zealous phrases such as 'GREAT EBAYER A+++++' and 'Super fast delivery, amazin item, thanks :))))' have become the norm. Clutching her trusty old blue Ikea canvas bag, bulging with various oddly shaped jiffy bags and boxes, everybody dreads being behind her in the queue - Cheryl at the counter always struggles to do proof of posting on twenty three second class recorded packages without holding up Mrs Goggins collecting her pension for the most part of the morning. Nevermind when there's stuff to be sent abroad - Mary's foreign Ebay bidders have tested even the most experienced Royal Mail worker on address formats for Azerbaijan (town name comes after postcode), and the customs charges for Canada (fill out declaration form CN22).

But Mary is wise to it all now, she knows all the tricks of the Ebay trade, how to get the best light to photo those regrettable sparkly earrings (99p plus £2.00 P&P, two bids so far), and which Febreeze scent best hides the smell of that slightly dank too small fleece ('will keep you warm this Winter, from a smoke free house').  She even knows the best times to post - on pain of death will she avoid the Post Office on Mondays and Fridays (the former being full of other enemy Ebayers clogging up the queue posting their weekends trade, and the latter when the benefits brigade collect their dole money). But it's her vocabulary that's benefited the most - she knows all the synonyms for stylish and every alternate word for amazing - after all, no one survives living off Ebay without the perpetual use of hyperbole. Sadly, nobody would use those flattering adjectives to describe Mary, who's developed a prison pallor to rival that of HMP Wandsworths longest serving inmate. And despite everything that's available to buy on Ebay, she certainly hasn't been bidding on any hair conditioner. As her greasy locks hit the counter, and Mary hears the familiar question from monotone Cheryl - 'Are any of the items worth over £40?,' what she doesn't realise is that she's not actually made any money from Ebaying things.

How to stop being an Ebayer
Worried this is you? Here's how to stop being an Ebayer
1) Re-use what you might have sold first (you'll be amazed how listenable that old All Saints album actually is)
2) Donate anything else to charity (life is too short to make 8p selling a tatty book)  
3) Putting two embarrassing New Look dresses on Ebay does not constitute you having a productive week. Get a real job. 

1 comment:

  1. Love this post! Poor old Mary... I got my turquoise star last year which was quite an exciting moment.